The More Connected We Get, The More Disconnected We Become
By Nancy Stern

Editor's Summary: This article provides good ground rules for deciding when to use e-mail and when to choose a face-to-face encounter. Read the author's reasons for using e-mail to organize meetings and share impersonal and relatively unimportant information. When your message is personal and important you want to opt for a communication mode suitable for your message.

Although we know technology provides many benefits, we tend to rely on it too much for important interpersonal communication. It's a paradox. Technology helps us get in touch--and it prevents us from being in touch. It helps us save time--and makes us waste time. It helps us correspond--and it can prevent us from being understood.

As a consultant, I regularly see people struggling to be understood. Interpersonal conflicts are rampant, and listening seems to be a lost art. As people over-depend on technology, these communication challenges become more difficult. It's one thing to rely on email to keep in contact with people in another country, but it's quite a different thing to rely email to keep in contact with your coworker sitting in the cubicle next to you.
We often hear people say they spend over two hours a day reading and responding to email messages. And that's just the average email user; some people receive as many as 100-150 email messages a day. And, most of them require further clarification so still more email is sent and received. Surely some of those messages could have been communicated in person, thus minimizing the probability of communication breakdown. Since over ninety percent of the impact of a message is non-verbal (eye-contact, gestures, posture, voice, etc.), that leaves only a 10 percent probability you will be truly understood when you use email. That's not enough.

Since people have a hard time expressing themselves, they may tend to manipulate, lie, or keep quiet rather than communicate directly. It's easier to lie while hiding behind a computer screen. It's easier to confront a computer than a person when dealing with conflict. It's easier to reject someone using email rather than looking them in the eye.

It often feels as though the more connected we get the more disconnected we become.

My friend Melissa told me she had a problem at work. Her coworker (who was also her friend) had been avoiding an important task that needed to be done before Melissa could complete the project they were doing. She asked the coworker several times to "please get the work done," but when nothing changed, Melissa got frustrated and went to her supervisor for help. She explained her situation and she expected he would confront the problem employee. Instead, his only advice was, "Put it in an email."
John, a software engineer who was employed for five years by a large wireless communication company, received a shocking email one Friday evening just before he was leaving work. "Dear John; Due to the recent merger, we are downsizing our software engineering department and your services will no longer be necessary...outplacement services will be available."
These stories illustrate what could be the beginning of a new management craze -- MBE (Management By Email), the over-reliance on email when other channels (methods) would be more appropriate. Complex and highly personal information, as illustrated above, is not well-suited for email. There's too much room for error, hurt feelings, guess-work and

misunderstanding.

Choosing The Best Channel

Email is a wonderful channel for impersonal and simple information. It works well for organizing large groups of people to come together for a common cause. For example Jody Williams won the l997 Nobel Peace prize for her contribution to the international ban on land mines. She achieved that ban not only without much government help, but in the face of opposition from all the major powers. And what did she say was her secret weapon for organizing 1,000 different human rights and arms control groups on six continents? "Email." (Lexus & Olive Tree, p. 14) Howard Dean has mobilized millions to donate money to his campaign for the Democratic nomination for President in 2004 by using email. During the march to war in the spring of 2003, millions of people were contacted via email to make their feelings known to legislators and the like.

Email is also great for scheduling meetings or planning social events. I was preparing to facilitate an executive retreat and needed to get the agenda and a brief homework assignment to participants ahead of time. Additionally, I needed to get feedback so I could adequately prepare and address their issues. I chose email as the best channel. It allowed me to quickly send and receive simple, impersonal information in a way that streamlined the process so the retreat could be successful. I have also used email as a way to gather input when designing curriculum for corporate training programs.
For following-up, email is fabulous. I spoke at a convention recently and offered to email a bibliography to interested participants. Over 150 people dropped off their cards. In the "old days," I would have had to address and stamp 150 envelopes then stuff them with the three-page, photocopied bibliography. Now, it took just a few minutes to input the email addresses into a card file in my address book, attach the document and hit send. This was a fast, easy, and cost-effective way to follow-up with simple, impersonal information. Email was the best channel for this task.
On the flip side, I have heard numerous stories where email was the channel of choice and misunderstandings were the norm.

Think Before You Choose Channels
If the message you are sending in anything but simple and impersonal, then email is not the best channel to use. A face-to-face interaction or a telephone conversation would be much better. It's time we started to get back in touch in this high

tech world.

(c) Nancy Stern 2004

Through her workshops, seminars and consulting projects, Nancy Stern MA, helps people keep connected through conscious communication because how you say what you say mattersT. She can be reached at 800-280-2666 or on the web www.nancystern.com.